Monday Scramble: Michelle madness
Beth Ann Baldry: Whan, LPGA needs to capitalize
Alistair Tait: Does LPGA’s future hinge on Wie? (July 29, 2009)
Welcome to the Monday Scramble, the first-ever Monday following professional titles by both Tiger Woods and – drumroll, please – Michelle Wie.
The result? Madness – complete and utter Michelle Madness – even if some of the following reports remain unconfirmed (And we can’t even begin to imagine what would have happened if Rickie Fowler had also won):
• For one, Woods, at least for a day, became an afterthought. He won in Australia just after midnight Sunday on the East Coast, beating guys like Greg Chalmers and Francois Delamontagne; Wie, perhaps the most hyped golfer/human of all time, won her first event as a professional, edging LPGA stars Paula Creamer, Cristie Kerr, Morgan Pressel and Jiyai Shin.
Somewhere, a Nike Swoosh turned to a smile.
• New LPGA commissioner Michael Whan, who watched the end to the Lorena Ochoa Invitational from church, ordered his marketing team to officially make changes to the LPGA logo.
• Former LPGA commish Carolyn Bivens texted Wie: “thx.”
• Insiders say New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was so overcome by the news of Wie’s victory that he forgot his team had a defense in Sunday night’s game against the Indianapolis Colts.
• All those people that had spent the last few years finding joy in a teenage girl’s disappointments – “Wie haters,” as they’ve been dubbed – spent the rest of Sunday night trying to measure their self-worth.
• Accordingly, Wie posted “wooooOoooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” to her Twitter account – as one source close to the situation told us, “to remind all the haters how many O’s she has in her bank account.”
• Paula Creamer called her lawyers and asked if there was anything she could do about Wie wearing head-to-toe flourescent pink on a Sunday.
• Executives for Nintendo called an emergency meeting in Japan early Monday morning concerning their Wii gaming console. One source close to the situation said they were “spell-checking.”
• EA Sports also began production on the new video game, “Michelle Wie LPGA 2011,” which doesn’t let you win a tournament until you’ve played it for five years.
• Just minutes after the final putt dropped, Wie’s father, B.J., disclosed to his wife, Bo, that he purchased a house in Hawaii seven years ago to display their daughter’s trophies.
• Early Monday morning, B.J. Wie also retrieved his blueprints for the “Michelle Wie Library and Museum” from his safety depost box.
• A child in Kansas went head first down a playground slide while screaming “MICHELLEEEEEEEEE!”
• Nike Golf marketing directors unveiled their new Michelle Wie “MW” logo, which looks very similar to Tiger Woods’ famous “TW” branding, yet seems to form an “H” at the middle.
We think it stands for “Hope” – or even “Hawaii” – though one source tells us it could mean, “Here, finally, thanks for waiting.”
• And PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem retroactively moved the cutline at the 2004 Sony Open back one stroke.
• Stay tuned for more updates... (Got any Wie tips? Leave them below, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.)