Hate to be Rude: Augusta on my mind

Phil Mickelson reacts after winning the 2010 Masters.

Phil Mickelson reacts after winning the 2010 Masters.

As we’ve learned on television, among other things, Abe Lincoln is honest, Ed Jones is too tall, Charlie Daniels plays a mean fiddle, it’s a bad idea to get into a snowball fight with Randy Johnson, drill sergeants make bad therapists, Elmer Fudd has trouble with the letter R and helium makes an opera room less stuffy.

With apologies to Geico, we wonder if golf fans are looking forward to next week’s Masters. And we answer in the affirmative through a series of golfy questions, unfortunately with no video:

Does John Daly like loud pants, hard liquor and lit cigarettes?

Does Tiger Woods like girls?

Is Rickie Fowler already dressed for Halloween?

Can Camilo Villegas contort?

Can a crying Bubba Watson leave you standing in casual water?

Is it reasonable to name your pet turtle after Ben Crane?

Does Michelle Kwan barely do a better figure 8 than Jim Furyk’s swing?

Does Phil Mickelson hunger for a double cheeseburger?

Does Rory McIlroy need a stylist who doesn’t specialize in perms?

Is Rocco Mediate talking right now?

Does Tiger Woods take a lot of golf lessons?

You think Kenny Perry wants a Masters mulligan?

Has Pat Perez thrown a temper tantrum since age 2?

Does Ian Poulter believe in haberdashers?

Does Dustin Johnson hit a 4-iron farther than I hit a driver? OK, 5-iron?

Can Ricky Barnes bench-press Corey Pavin?

Can Y.E. Yang shoulder-press Pavin, Skip Kendall and Yuta Ikeda at the same time?

Does Graeme McDowell know how to celebrate for months at a time?

Does Hank Haney tweet even more than Stewart Cink?

Does Padraig Harrington say his version of “eh” more than even anyone in Canada?

Does Tiger Woods overhaul his swing more than Junior Johnson did his engines?

Did Clifford Roberts rule Augusta National with two fists?

Has Vijay Singh ever closed down a driving range?

Does Paul Goydos have an unsolicited opinion?

Is Phil Mickelson happy going down Magnolia Lane or through the Krispy Kreme drive-thru?

If the three worst words in golf aren’t “you’re still away,” then aren’t they “cart path only”?

Is Rocco Mediate still chatting?

Is Martin Kaymer ranked No. 1 in the world even if he’s not even the hottest Martin in golf?

Is Blake Adams as country as Grizzly Adams?

Does Stephen Ames have eyes and teeth?

Is Tiger Woods overdue?

Can Joe Durant hit a straight ball?

Is 18-major winner Jack Nicklaus breathing easier?

Does Henrik Stenson wear underwear?

Can Joe Ogilvie give an educated guess?

Does golf’s new youth movement get carded?

Does Lee Westwood crave a major?

Did Cristie Kerr undergo a makeover? 

Is Robert Karlsson more laid back than even Fred Couples?

When it comes to the Ryder Cup, are there only two Molinaris?

Does Mark Steinberg ever use the word “no”?

Are Chuck Norris jokes interchangeable with Frank Lickliter II?

Does Johnny Miller use the word “choke” as verb, noun and modifier?

Is Zane Scotland from England?

Did Bobby Jones play like a professional?

Is Jhonny Vegas more famous in golf circles than Johnny Reno?

Is Colin Montgomerie more known for rabbit ears than rabbit’s foot?

Does Tiger Woods have a few swing thoughts?

Will someone be green with envy next week?

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