Monday Scramble: How to make $$$
Welcome to the Monday Scramble, where we’re certainly glad to see the PGA Tour has finally done something to make sure the Tour will pull out of these tough economic times without a hitch.
According to the press release we received last night following the conclusion to the AT&T National, the Tour has guaranteed that Tiger Woods will win any event he enters “henceforth.” (See picture below, click to enlarge.)
(We know what you’re saying: Doesn’t he win them all anyway? Well, almost – but every little bit helps.)
Of course, this is a huge boost for golf, considering only Woods would have been able to attract a top-5 headline Sunday night on CNN.com – just below the Walt Disney World Monorail crash, yet far above all of the Michael Jackson stories and tribute links.
Not surprisingly, the move comes on the heels of the death of yet another LPGA event. Early last week, it was reported that organizers of the Kapalua LPGA Classic in Hawaii had pulled out of their contract because they were unable to find a title sponsor for the event – leaving us at the moment with just 10 LPGA tournaments on American soil.
Happy Fourth of July!
We here at the Scramble are here to help. (In fact, we’ve actually been working on the following proposal for weeks now to send to PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem, but we hope LPGA boss Carolyn Bivens and her staff will also benefit – and perhaps save their jobs – from this plan.)
What follows is a fool-proof plan to step up corporate sponsorship efforts at tour events, more or less to points that are so outlandish fans, players and media will only find it remarkable:
(Click photos to enlarge)
- Clubhouse renovations. (Possible sponsor: White Castle)
- Strategically-placed sand castles. (Possible sponsor: Caterpillar)
- Get creative with flagsticks. (Possible sponsor: McDonald’s)
- Green redesigns. (Possible sponsors: Nike...)
- Water hazard redesigns. (Possible sponsor: Adidas)
- Fairway billboards. (Possible sponsor: Best Buy)
- Celebrity caddies. (Possible sponsor: TMZ)
• • •
Our caption: [Awkward silence].
Vijay: “Seriously Lucas, if you don’t want to invest with them, then there's a guy I know called Bernard who can really make your money work for you.” Lucas: “Nah, I’m good. Thanks Vijay”
– Tim M
“Veej....just hang on a little longer and see how many others copy this pose...”
– Gary M.
“You think he knows his fly is open?”
– John M.
– Steve S.
“Lucas, was that you?”
V.ijay: Do you think it’s the Monsoon Season?” Lucas: “Yep.”
– Harold J.
“Veej, wait till Johnson Wagner isn’t looking, then hit him in the face with shaving cream...”
– Marlo M.
Vijay whispers, “Lucas, where’s your glove???”
– Mark M.
Glover to Singh: “Don’t you think it’s about time to give up that Stanford Financial visor?”
– Skip W.