Monday Scramble: Save our season
Welcome to the Monday Scramble. When is the Women’s Open, again?
• • •
TO BE HONEST, we’ve been pretty shocked (almost as much so as seeing that Michelle Wie hasn’t posted a Tweet in 11 days ) to come across a collection of articles and blogs lately screaming about how unspectacular the 2009 golf season has been (men’s golf, specifically).
Forgive us if we’ve just been too hyped about the release of the new Harry Potter film to notice; Apparently, it’s a wake-me-up-when-it’s-2010 kind of year, despite the fact that Tiger Woods has returned to both walking and winning.
Undoubtedly, the problem (other than negligently forgetting what life was like without Woods around this time last year) is that Tiger hasn’t won the right tournaments.
So because Angel Cabrera and Lucas Glover – a couple of guys most Americans wouldn’t know from the sound technicians on the new Daughtry album – have walked away with the first two majors, it’s time to rush golf to the emergency room.
Instead of appreciating Tiger’s return to some sort of comfortable dominance, we just keep blaming everyone else for not putting up enough of a fight (knowing full well it’s not entirely possible); Instead of thanking the golf gods for Rory McIlroy (have you read his online journal lately?), we treat Padraig Harrington like an ex-girlfriend for changing his swing mid-PaddySlam.
And then we go and let the U.S. Open rain not only on our Bethpage but our entire storybook, even though David Duval and Phil Mickelson filled our heads with more hopes and dreams for those last couple hours than anything Tiger has done in a long while.
How quickly we forget that golf is a game of inches; how quickly we forget that Kenny Perry losing the Masters isn’t that far removed from him winning it.
Since when is disappointment a synonym for boring?
If Cristie Kerr wins the Women’s Open Sunday, we’re comparing her mental toughness to Tiger’s. Eun Hee Ji wins, and all of a sudden women’s golf is deader than Carolyn Bivens’ job.
To be honest, it’s not that we here at the Scramble don’t understand these reactions; it’s just interesting to watch them play out.
Winning is everything, all right, as long as the right person wins.
SO WHAT NOW?
Just hope that one of these storylines plays out at this week’s British Open, so we can stop asking people if they want any cheese with all this whine:
• Tiger Woods wins major No. 15. Faced with a 30-footer to win on the final hole, Stevie Williams reaches into the golf bag and pulls out the same tennis racquet Roger Federer used to win his 15th major last weekend at Wimbledon. Woods drains the putt with the racquet; players, fans and media all agree not to call him on the rules violation, understanding he would have made the same putt with a putter, a spatula or cow.
•Greg Norman wins again at Turnberry, the site of his first British Open victory. After the final putt drops, hundreds of fans jump into the cold ocean with fake shark fins and swim around like a Scooby-doo cartoon. Norman’s wife, Chris Evert, eventually has to lure them out of the water with homemade hot cocoa and free autographed tennis rackets. Norman cries; his daughter texts Sergio Garcia: “Crazy!”
• John Daly forgets to pack enough pants, wins second British Open. Forced to play his last three rounds in boxer-briefs, Daly makes joke during his post-victory press conference that “it really just felt like a breeze this week.” Media members laugh riotously; One British tabloid runs headline: “Don’t question Daly’s Turnberries.”
• The overhyped “LeBron James gets dunked on” tape is finally leaked to the public, disproving reports that Xavier’s Jordan Crawford performed a two-hand jam in the face of King LeBron. In fact, the tape shows Woody Austin reverse-slamming a bucket of Titleist range balls on top of James’s head, sending James clumsily to the ground and rolling down the court. Says one Nike rep: “If they were Nike Ones we never would have confiscated the tape.”
• Ten years after his tragic collapse at Carnoustie, Jean Van de Velde finally becomes the Champion Golfer of the Year, coming out of nowhere on Sunday and eventually surviving a 13-hole playoff with Rory McIlroy. On the 18th green, he rips off his Van de Velde mask to reveal that he is really David Duval. The crowd goes wild. Sitting on his couch at home, Van de Velde orders a pizza.
• • •
CREATE-A-CAPTION: Last week...
Real caption: Tiger Woods reacts with a smile while taking a baseball grip after flying his ball over the green and past the gallery from the bunker on the second hole during the Wednesday pro-am. (Photo by Stan Badz/PGA TOUR)
Our caption: Right. Like he wouldn’t start for the Washington Nationals...
Ha! I hit that guy who snuck in his cell phone.
– Johnny A.
Boy I really hit that one out of the yard!!
– Jim S.
Hey batter batter – Swiiiing Batter!
– Steve S.
Tiger Knows Golf
Tiger Knows Baseball
– Carter S.
“Hey Bob Estes, your not the only one who ten-finger grips it anymore.”
– John K.
“Say, while I'm passing through DC, think the Nationals could use my help?”
– Michael C.
I am ready for Home Run Derby.
– Robert C.
“Psssst, hey Phil”
– Tim O.