Monday Scramble: Why Tiger won
Welcome to the Monday Scramble, where we can’t remember the last time Tiger Woods won a tournament without fist-pumping on the 18th green. (Even though we think it might not have been that long ago – it’s just that our memory is about as good as John Daly’s crossover dribble.)
• • •
Top 10 reasons (we think) Tiger Woods won the Memorial:
To make anyone who still questioned whether or not Woods was “back” feel like their Britney Spears cell phone ring had just sounded during a Woods backswing on the final hole of a major championship in which he needs only a par to join Phil Mickelson, John Daly and Greg Norman in a playoff.
Woods’ new video game, “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010” comes out this week – and sources at EA Sports tell us Woods was contractually obligated to promote the game by either a.) winning Memorial or b.) dressing in a giant fuzzy Nike golf ball costume and waddling around in front of a Los Angeles Best Buy.
Jack Nicklaus bet Woods $20 he couldn’t win the tournament and their Wednesday skins game (which he played with Nicklaus, Kenny Perry and Stewart Cink).
Sam and Charlie needed a new trophy to play with. Duh.
Believe it or not, Woods is now guaranteed better seats for Game 3 of the NBA Finals this Tuesday in his hometown of Orlando, Fla.
(According to one Amway Arena cotton candy vendor, professional golfers with less than 67 PGA Tour victories aren’t guaranteed seats safely out of the “Stan Van Gundy Sweat Zone.”)
Charles Barkley’s Sunday morning text: “haney says you suck.”
Hank Haney’s Sunday morning text: “barkley says you suck.”
Woods’ agent, Mark Steinberg, told him that if he won, he wouldn’t have to join Twitter.
(Not that he could beat Stewart Cink’s 290,000+ followers anyway.)
After Woods’ 38-footer for birdie on No. 2, his pitch-in eagle from gangly rough on No. 11, and 7-iron to a foot for birdie on No. 18, ESPN producers turned off the “Emergency Hole Magnets” for everybody else.
He just really, really, really, really, really wanted to.
• • •
Our two favorite “Tiger Is So Good, OMG” quotes from the weekend:
Stewart Cink, via Twitter: “Don’t know what to say about TW after today. It wasn’t easy out there. I’ve run out of superlatives with which to describe his play.”
Jim Furyk, following his runner-up finish to Woods: “I wish you’d (media) all quit pissing him off. That’s about all I have to say about that. Wish you’d just quit chapping him so much and make him come back and keep proving stuff.
“I don’t think – you know, Tiger Woods is always Tiger Woods. He can’t be 100 percent every week, but I’m sure he answered a lot of questions today.”
• • •
Real caption: Tiger Woods chats with his caddie Steve Williams on the fifth hole during the third round of the Memorial Tournament (photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images).
Our caption: Stevie Williams: “This would be a great pond to throw cameras in.”
SEND YOUR CAPTIONS – OR ANY OTHER QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, CONCERNS – TO: email@example.com.