Monday Scramble: Who didn’t watch?

The scene from ESPN Zone in Times Square in New York City during Tiger Woods' Friday statement.

The scene from ESPN Zone in Times Square in New York City during Tiger Woods' Friday statement.

Welcome to the Monday Scramble.

This just in: Due to last weekend’s upsurge in worldwide usage of the cliché “Actions speak louder than words” – a certain result of Tiger Woods’ State of The Marital Union address Friday at TPC Sawgrass – it was announced this morning that the English language has officially changed the the expression to “Actions speak louder than Woods.”

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Tiger Woods addresses a small audience Friday morning.

• The biggest news last week, other than Tiger Woods’ actual statement? The timing of the statement, which drew jumbo-bucketloads of criticism from PGA Tour players, media and fans alike.

Why last week?

Some people guessed it was because Woods was going to make his return to golf at this week’s Phoenix Open (LOL!). Others thought it was to purposely defer attention from the Accenture Match Play Championship – Accenture being the first major sponsor to end its relationship with Woods after the scandal surfaced (Hmmm...). We actually thought it was because TPC Sawgrass was running a “Free breakfast buffet with every conference room rental” deal for February (Yes!).

Even when Tiger gave us his reason (“Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy; I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I'm making these remarks today.”) we were hardly convinced.

Fortunately, the real reason just happened to smack us right in the face at 11:31 p.m. Saturday night while watching TV: There was no episode of “Saturday Night Live” this weekend because of NBC’s Winter Olympics coverage.

You know what they (or at least those IMG agents) say: No “SNL” skit, no PR hit.

Accordingly, when Jennifer Lopez hosts next week, Tiger’s statement will only be a distant memory – as long as an earthquake detaches California from the mainland by Thursday.

The entire setup kind of looked like an “SNL” skit about to happen, though, didn’t it? That blue-curtain backdrop, understated podium and small crowd that looked like a bunch of extras.

We half expected Fred Armisen to stand up a few minutes in and blurt out “Wait, can I ask a question?”

And when Tiger finished, we were kind of surprised not to see a fist-pump and “Live from Ponte Vedra, it’s Friday morning!” proclamation.

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Who started that dumb rumor about Michael Jordan being in the room to show his support of Tiger anyway?

We knew MJ wasn’t coming; that TPC Sawgrass clubhouse is a non-smoking facility.

Where were you when Tiger Woods apologized?

We really hope you’re never asked that question, though we can confirm that at least one foursome on a Central Florida golf course pulled out a laptop with a wireless internet card in the middle of the round to watch Tiger talk.

To be sure, more people watched those 14 stirring minutes Friday than went to happy hour.

According to Bloomberg.com, volume on the New York Stock Exchange “fell to about 1 million shares, the lowest level of the day at the time, in the minute Woods began... Trading shot to about 6 million when the speech ended, the highest for any period except just after exchanges opened.”

We know we like to joke a lot, but seriously, folks: There may not have been a better time to sneak your clubs into Augusta National – play Amen Corner and get back out – without anyone ever noticing.

(P.S. We made par on 12! It was awwwwwesome!)

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The Dalai Lama during a visit to Beverly Hills, Calif.

We do know of one guy that wasn’t watching: The Dalai Lama, himself.

The Lama – the flowing robes, the grace, bald – told the Associated Press while in Los Angeles this weekend that he had not heard of Woods.

Striking.

Carl Spackler 1, Tiger Woods 0.

Speaking of getting on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas, Woods’ caddie Steve Williams told a New Zealand newspaper that he wouldn’t tolerate any cheap-shots (or, we assume, cameras) aimed at Woods when he returns.

As for that main camera malfunctioning toward the end of Woods’ statement Friday morning? With Williams on the other side of the globe, it must have only been a coincidence.

Right?

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One reason to appreciate the three-ring circus?

If not for Tiger’s announcement, Golf Channel probably would have been forced to flash pictures of John Daly in his undies all weekend.

Say what?

Get this: JD let folks know last week on his Twitter page that he has signed a sponsorship deal with Slix underwear, which seems to be even bigger news than the Norwegian men’s curling team digging into JD’s Loudmouth pants collection (see right).

What, did Henrik Stenson say no?

At 10:54 a.m. Friday, JD tweeted: “Gettin rdy for Tiger?--On the Fun Side I just got a GREAT SPONSOR for UNDERWEAR... GET READY I’ve GONE UNDERWEAR MODEL!”

Oh no, and we’re not talking about the American speedskater. Take a look for yourself.

“Slix boxer briefs are the most ridiculously comfortable underwear I’ve ever put on,” Daly is quoted in a press release. “When I’ve got my Slix on, it’s all good.”

Is it really?

“I get a lot of things to try on and this underwear is something I don’t want to take off.”

How is that good?

And finally, did anyone have a better sporting weekend than Ian Poulter?

  1. Poulter won the Match Play for his first victory in America.
  2. His favorite English soccer team, Arsenal, defeated Sunderland (2-0).
  3. His favorite NBA team, the Orlando Magic, beat LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers (101-95).
  4. And Great Britain took down the United States in men’s curling (3-2) at the Winter Olympics!

Tweeted Poulter early Monday morning: “so happy after winning...”

“World number 5 how does that sound, wicked. What a great day.”

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